[14:27] Samjolnir: but anyway I used to come out to Jehovah's Witnesses and Mormons in one of my black metal shirts
[14:27] Samjolnir: so they'd see a guy come out with a huge upside down crucifix on his shirt with GORGOROTH - TRUE NORWEGIAN BLACK METAL
[14:28] Samjolnir: and I'd let them do their spiel as cordially as I could
[14:28] Samjolnir: and then say "Well, I don't know if you noticed, but I'm actually a member of the First Church of Lucifer, but I really do appreciate your missionary work!"
[14:28] Samjolnir: "In fact, we're about to conduct a virgin sacrifice in my basement, so now that I've learned about your religion, would you like to learn a bit about mine?"
[14:30] dethtoll dot mid: i knew a guy who liked to keep a bottle of hand cream by his desk, and would put some on his hand, then answer the door with his pants unzipped and his belt open and panting heavily
[14:30] Samjolnir: OH GOD.
[14:30] Samjolnir: that's too perfect
[14:30] Samjolnir: one of my favorite tactics
[14:30] Samjolnir: when they start talking
[14:30] Samjolnir: just say, in perfect English
[14:30] Samjolnir: "WHAT? I'M SORRY, I DON'T SPEAK A WORD OF ENGLISH."
[14:30] dethtoll dot mid: hahahahaha
[14:30] Samjolnir: "DO YOU KNOW TAGALOG? PLEASE? I CAN'T SPEAK ENGLISH."
[14:31] dethtoll dot mid: i do that to telemarketers!
[14:32] dethtoll dot mid: i used to keep an air horn for telemarketers until mom made me get rid of it
[14:32] Samjolnir: GENIUS
[14:32] Samjolnir: oh man
[14:32] Samjolnir: this is one great story
[14:32] dethtoll dot mid: oh god i got one for you when you're done
[14:32] Samjolnir: my dad used to have this one trick he pulled on telemarketers
[14:32] Samjolnir: where whatever they'd be advertising, he'd say was against his religious faith
[14:33] dethtoll dot mid: i did that once, and acted real offended that they would even call me
[14:33] Samjolnir: "Sorry, we belong to the Church of Antifenestrae. Our house doesn't have windows. Please take us off your list, thank you."
[14:33] dethtoll dot mid: the poor woman on the other end of the phone was practically falling all over herself apologizing
[14:33] Samjolnir: so then someone from AT&T called about our phone service.
[14:34] Samjolnir: Dad: "I'm sorry, we of the Church of Antitelecomm believe that phones are an abomination. We don't have one. Thank you."
[14:34] Samjolnir: "uhh wai--*CLICK*"
[14:34] dethtoll dot mid: hahahahahaha
[14:34] Samjolnir: ite, now your turn
[14:37] dethtoll dot mid: okay so for a while we got constant calls from this one telemarketer
[14:37] dethtoll dot mid: would not fucking go away
[14:37] dethtoll dot mid: finally i decided to take the matter in my own hands
[14:37] dethtoll dot mid: so i downloaded a long clip of a dog barking, put some silence before it
[14:38] dethtoll dot mid: and as soon as i picked up the phone and it was a telemarketer, i hit play
[14:38] dethtoll dot mid: and i'd just be like "yeah, uh huh, uh huh"
[14:38] dethtoll dot mid: then the dog starts barking and i'd be like
[14:38] dethtoll dot mid: hold on
[14:38] dethtoll dot mid: SHUT UP
[14:38] dethtoll dot mid: sorry, go on
[14:38] dethtoll dot mid: uh huh
[14:38] dethtoll dot mid: uh huh
[14:38] dethtoll dot mid: GODDAMMIT I SAID SHUT UP
[14:39] dethtoll dot mid: sorry, go on
[14:39] dethtoll dot mid: uh huh
[14:39] Samjolnir: haha nice
[14:39] dethtoll dot mid: hold on
[14:39] dethtoll dot mid: GOD DAMMIT SHUT THE FUCK UP
[14:39] dethtoll dot mid: BILLY RAAAAAY
[14:39] dethtoll dot mid: I TOLD YOU WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN
[14:39] dethtoll dot mid: IF YOU DIDN'T SHUT YOUR GODDAMN DOG UP
[14:39] dethtoll dot mid: i put the phone down and walked away shouting profanity and screaming for billy ray
[14:39] Samjolnir: hahahaha that's too good
[14:39] dethtoll dot mid: then made a lot of thumping noises
[14:39] dethtoll dot mid: came back
[14:40] dethtoll dot mid: after turning off the dog noises i eman
[14:40] dethtoll dot mid: and picked up the phone:
[14:40] dethtoll dot mid: okay, sorry about that, i'm back. hello? hello?
[14:40] dethtoll dot mid: they'd hung up.
[14:40] Samjolnir: niiiiice
[14:40] Samjolnir: one of my favorites
[14:40] dethtoll dot mid: and never called back again.
[14:40] Samjolnir: so an ex of mine
[14:40] Samjolnir: her dad was a huge beer snob, in the same way that some people are wine snobs
[14:41] Samjolnir: (which is why he got along with my dad so well)
[14:41] Samjolnir: ANYWAY
[14:41] Samjolnir: He kept getting calls constantly from this one beer magazine offering him a chance to enter a contest for a free twelve-pack of something-or-other, all I remember was that it was very bad beer.
[14:41] Samjolnir: like, PBR or Natty Ice level stuff
[14:42] Samjolnir: which is probably why it was free in the first place.
[14:42] Samjolnir: so I'm not even kidding here
[14:42] Samjolnir: they got calls every hour, on the hour from these guys.
[14:42] Samjolnir: every waking hour of the day, "HI WE'RE HERE FROM DUMBASS BREWERY FOR RICHARD KALMIN HELLO HELLO??!?!!?"
[14:43] Samjolnir: so my ex, who could be quite brilliant sometimes, decided to take the matter into her own hands.
[14:43] Samjolnir: At first, she said her dad was on a business trip in Somalia.
[14:43] Samjolnir: and Somalia hasn't had a functioning government since 1991 and is pretty much Mad Max irl
[14:43] Samjolnir: if you remember
[14:44] Samjolnir: but they call the next day (instead of hour, thank god)
[14:44] Samjolnir: "Hi, is Richard there?"
[14:44] Samjolnir: "I told you before, he's AWAY."
[14:44] Samjolnir: "Do you know when he'll be coming back?"
[14:45] Samjolnir: "He-(choke)-WON'T BE COMING BACK! (sob) EVER!! DADDEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeee"
[14:45] Samjolnir: "DADDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"
[14:45] Samjolnir: they never called again
[14:45] dethtoll dot mid: hshshshshahfelfkjfpoefj
[14:45] dethtoll dot mid: OWNED
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samjolnir's journal
